CW: Depression, Anxiety
This isn't the blog post I had planned on my schedule for today. I don't even think its the blog post I ever saw myself writing, no matter how desperately I have wanted to. But it's been one of those days. Some days, weeks, months are amazing. I can be happy for ages on end, I can feel alive. And then there are days like today, where I don't really feel anything, where I'm full of dread, where I just want to skip part of my life until I feel good again. But I keep going, I keep pretending. Because, you see, I have depression and anxiety.
And I'm probably writing this blog post more for myself than for anyone else, to remind myself that if I've gotten through it before, I can do it again, that I'm stronger than I realise. Its a little reminder that its okay to be ill sometimes, its okay to need to rely on medication to live a normal, fulfilling life or in some circumstances, to be alive at all.
I was doing really well, and then I dropped my medication down a fraction. And I was still doing really well. And then I graduated. And now, I feel like I'm settling. I like my job, yes, I like my parents, yes, and I do love my hobbies: yoga, sewing, playing my guitar and blogging. But I have no focus. Finding a full-time graduate career is proving more difficult than anyone can prepare you for. I have no structure, no routine. And I'll tell you, its hard.
Its funny isn't it, winter is coming and I bloody hate winter. Its dark, its miserable, its cold. Yet three days ago I sat at my laptop preaching about the joys of Autumn to convince myself that the dread I feel for the impeding Winter is irrational. And I know it is, but that isn't going to cure me.
Its been one of those days, I'm going through a rough patch but that's okay. Its okay because I've been here before. I've been much, much worse before and I survived it. I need medication to function and I pick myself back up when I fall, and that's okay.
Life gets better, it is so worth sticking around for.
Please speak to a professional if you are suffering from any symptoms you are concerned about!
Peace and Love xoLabels: Mental Health